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A part of me may be taken away [20 Apr 2010|11:49am]
[ mood | Worried ]

april of 1996 was when God told her to save this child. not even a week old, she was left in a garbage can left for dead. her mother, a crack head alcoholic, who didn't care for the child. then she got the call and arrested her and took in the child. after caring for her for a couple years, she decided to adopt her into the family. in middle school, when little one would come with to pick me up for school, she always got compliments of how cute she is. people would ask if little one was my sister and i would say no you're crazy she's adopted. but little one did have the brown eyes and brown hair like us. i'm her buddy, her role model, her DeDe...that's my nickname from little one. when she was little, she only heard the "de" in mandie. years later, we found out that little one was actually blood. comes to find out her dad was 'the one who saved her's brother and he had a fling with the crack head that had ended quit after he learned about her. after finding out that little one was blood, it was fate. God made sure that she got the call to save little one because family needs to stay together.

over the years of counseling, medications, dealing with ADHD, dyslexia, and the list goes on....all because of the drugs and alcohol her mother did. little one has her episodes, but we get through it and go on. now little one is 14 years old and may be turned over to the state. over the passed few months, every weekend she's been acting up and we try to get her on the right path, but i don't understand why she does wrong and not right. running away, taking back, saying things a kid should say....what do you do? after the last episode, the woman who saved her had to call the cops because she ran away again. little one got taken to a shelter, and her contact list, she said no to my number. that broke my heart and put me in tears.

five days in a shelter and she says she's going to do right. if not she'll be turned over to the state. i highly oppose of that. blood is blood and no matter what we should stick together. i hope she has her head on right this last time. i can't even count on my fingers and toes how many times she's gotten chances and on top of that, everything she wants. but we shall see.

i pray to God that little one gets on the right path and things get better, because i will fight to keep my family together. all the tears, sweat and talks i've had for little one mean a lot. i hope she knows in her heart that her family loves her. i don't want to say good-bye...

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Hello 2010 [02 Mar 2010|03:16pm]

Yeah I'm a little late to start off the new year with my blog haha but it's all good :) ... I finally took a stand for myself in January and moved up outta brian's and back home with moms! :) it was like a fresh breath of air again. Oh boy I thought it wasn't gonna go well because of all the other times I tried to move out. But hey i finally found the strength to do it. Packed up all my shit and got settled at moms in like an hour! Haha gotta make moves quick now lol.

Bella boo is thrilled to be back at moms! That dog is so damn spoiled. She kinda goes through depression though cause she doesn't have her buddy to play with, but she'll be aight.

So far this year has been great... I've been blessed with a few things from God and thank him everyday for all he has done. Moved back at home with moms, focusing as much as I can on school and buying a new car :) and after being back single, I got my friendships back, still trying to get a few more that I lost, but having fun and going back out is just me. Ima do me and live it to the fullest. I just couldn't put the front on anymore to him. Why live in misery to get by for a few when you're just ruining your chances in life? You live and you learn, and God has given me a lot of lessons in life.

I've been counting down the days til I get my BAS degree! Three more semesters and I'm done!! I'll have my paper and make some more money and start off a career! I'll have accomplished a goal in my life that I've established and maintained through the good n bad times. Ain't no one gonna stop me from achieving goals I have set.

So far this has been my year to shine, that's for sure! I can't wait for what's gonna happen over the months and years :)

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Work sucks at times [21 Jan 2010|12:13pm]

It's so slow today and all I want to do is go home and get my snuggies and fall asleep lol. It's very cloudy and windy out .. I wish I was raining.

I got this toothache for some reason... It's killing me! I need to find a dentist and put my insurance to use. Fricking paid for it all last year and didn't even use it. But it's always safer to have it just in case. Anywho, I need to find a nice, patient dentist lol. Someone that understand that I'm terrified of them and pain lol. Maybe I'll look later for one online. I go for my first doctors appointment Monday. I'm really nervous. It's the first time in years since I've been to a doctor, so Ima get a full physical done and find out where my chest pains are coming from. I'll probably get sent to a specialist so there's more copay for that.

Work sucks today it's slow and boring. People get on my nerves... Customers and coworkers... But what can you do. You address issues to your manager who then does absolutely nothing to better the branch. I'm over this place. I want to relocate... Now.... Trying to hang in here until something happens.

I'm going to Biloxi next month on the 19th. I got free airfare and two free nights at the IP casino, which is fricking awesome! I'm nervous though. I was gonna take Brian but we've spilt up, then I was going to take my cousin but she never responded. So I set it for Jess neugent and I to go. She's never been so it'll be nice for her. But I've only been on a plane once with my mom, Grma, and Jenn. Not going with my mom is kind of scary. I wish she could go with me. But we're going to Vegas for her 50th in June, I can't wait for that!! :)

Well I'm going to go think some more and hopefully help some customers ... Xoxo

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First day of freedom again [14 Jan 2010|09:32am]
[ mood | Relieved ]

Well I didn't get a chance to write in this yesterday cause I was so busy moving my stuff out of brian's and back home to my moms house. I feel so refreshed and free. After a year and a half I finally got what I wanted. No more misery of not being able to do things! Weekend get-a-ways, ladies nights, everything!

But there is the side of me that feels bad because he has no job to cover the bills I was paying. I tried to stick it out til the lease was up in march but the arguements drove me to move out sooner. Bellas kind of depressed cause she doesn't have felony to play with :( my poor baby. And his sons birthday is at the end of the month and he can afford to do anything for him. I don't know, I have to do what's best for me first.

Once I'm on my feet and stable an ready for something, then I'll move but I need to focus on school and work right now. Because I'm already a year behind on my degree cause of Dj. Brian was very supportive with my schooling but I just couldn't handle the suffocation of him. Not able to get out and enjoy myself really took a toll on me. Things gonna change now..

New year new me! Xoxo

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It's been a long while [12 Jan 2010|09:35pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Well it's been bout five years now since I've written in this thing. Kinda missed it lol. But I had a real bad relationship with David Wolfe for two and a half years and then got right back into another relationship with Brian brown. I've tried breaking up with brian many of times now but it's like this guy won't get the hint! He has a lot of great qualities but I'm just not ready to settle down and we've been together since 7-21-08. Well come end of march and the lease will be up and I'll move back to moms.

Let's see what else has happened... I worked at fifth third for a couple years and now I'm at regions bank. I like it there. But now they're starting to sound like fifth third with all of the referrals you need. But I'm trying to stick it out til spring of 2011, cause by then I should have my BA :) ... Thank goodness.

Also since then, my cousin Jessica has had a baby, JJ.... My best friend Jenn Handley has become bisexual, my friend Tammy has had a baby girl Larissa, and my friend Elliot Hartill passed away by getting hit by a drunk driver in July of 2008. That was the hardest thing to do was saying goodbye to him when he was brain dead in the hospital :(

But I'm happy that livejournal has this app for my iPhone, so I can update it on a daily basis, or at least try to lol. One day I want to look back on my life and what I was going through and my thoughts. So we'll see how this goes! :)

Nighty night

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I aM s0 L0nElY... [06 Mar 2005|02:06pm]
[ mood | confused ]

 a lot has been on my mind lately...i just dont kno wat to do anymo.  well...there's this guy, and i'm beginning to crush on him like cRaZii.  he's so cute and i luv his personality but i dont kno wat are deal is ya kno?  i dont kno wat he thinks about me.  i think he likes me cuz of things he says and does, but u all kno guyz are juz so confusin and dont juz lay out tha truth.  but wateva...guyz are flaw...SOME of em, but iuno.

well sholeh and mike arent workin out.  eva since he became ghetto, he's gotten a weird attitude.  but its like at time he's okay but then its like BITCH!  they are great friends, but i dunno.

skool is so gay... i cant wait til i graduate..i got like 2 mo months i cant wait to be outta high skool. there is juz so much drama that i dont want.

blAh..people are weird! lol iuno, i'm bored and i dont kno wat else to talk bout. also for everyone's information, i'm done missin my ex. like a couple weeks ago, i was gonna see if we could be friends or watever, but i found out that he was talkin shit bout me, sayin he never wanted to date me and how he used me..but yet we were together fo bout a year and we were always wit each other..he used me? oook stop talkin out ur cheeks bitch. but i'm done wit him, he's long out and forgotten.

but life has never been so confusin. i have been through a lot and some people juz dont kno. thats why i'm so cautious and shit. i'm scared to have feelings for someone again. how do i kno if i can really trust him ya kno? yea he may not be like my ex's in the past, but he is different..ya kno? iuno, i'm just scared i guess u could say. well i'ma go, i need to think bout some stuff. pCe

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no mo drama plz [06 Feb 2005|07:32pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

this is why i dont hang out wit ppl in high skool. i dont need no mo drama in my life..

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u asked...here it is... [25 Jan 2005|11:46pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

well i guess i could fit something in here, but i'm not in tha mood for talkin really.. its late and i'm tired.  i have learned that i dont like my life, and God has given me a second chance fo wat reason?  cuz nothin good has happened to me so far.  here..ima tell u a story... this is my final year at northeast.  i couldnt wait fo my senior year, but now that i am half way thro it, i wish i could turn back and restart it ova.  every month something bad has happened.  remember how me and anthony were in luv and everything...well we broke up, like the first week of september.  why?  becuz he lost feelins fo me.  see in august like 22nd, we got arrested, me, him, lenny, and ned...they went car-hoppin and i drove them so i "helped" but wateva.  becuz of that, i lost all my friends and my boyfriend.  he told me that nothin was ever gonna break us up and i was like i neva wanna lose u and he's like woah...that kinda made him think i guess.  but now we arent even friends and i wish i still had him becuz i miss him wit my whole heart.  i find myself cryin and thinkin and missin him so much like no otha.  he will alwayz alwayz have my heart.  and ova this gettin arrested shit, i lost my best friend jessica, ned's gurl, but wateva, thats no big deal...juz a waste of space, fuckin prep.  sorry.  so i tried to move on.  then one day sholeh called me or sumthing, i dont member and we hung out and now we are best friends and do everything together.  so, on october 30th, all tha halloween parties were tyte as fuck and i was trashed and havin so much fun.  thats when i met jeff philips...big mistake right there.  but oh well, it was fun while it lasted.  it took me a week before i would let him kiss me.  that whole nite i met him, he would be holdin me and sayin no one better talk to her and everything.  ya kno, he does have a heart, but he doesnt learn to stop runnin to lauren.  but wateva, thats done wit.  but now i like bout 3 people.  i'm not goin to say right now.   but while i tried to move on from jeff and keep my mind off of anthony, i tried to get this one boy eddie to like me.  i dont know what it is bout him, but i think he's cute!  he has a great sense of humor and everything, but i dont know wat to do about him.  i think i stopped crushin on him.  but its like i see anthony in my dreams and thoughts.  i miss him too much.  i want him back, but i cant have him.  so...i have also been workin at this bank still, and i dont like my manager.  while goin to skool and work, i had to do community service...a lot of it too.  and i had to go to a class for stealing shit and a maximum jail tour, scary ass shit too.  bad thoughts stay with ya on that.  then new year's came...me and sholeh were suppose to go to ocala but everyone was flaw and i ended up takin care of jordan's drunk ass and i only had one drink all nite.  then within a two day period, i got molested by two different people who fuckin know each other and they were suppose to be my friends!!!  then i'm hopin that 2005 would be so much better, well it didnt.  on january 8th, sholeh and i got into a car accident.  i totalled my car and God gave me that second chance on livin.  i should be, SHOULD BE, died rite now, but i'm not.  i missed two trees, a 5 foot thick telephone pole, an SUV, and bushes.  i dont know how, but its like God juz stopped tha car befo tha SUV and slid us 4 feet to a safe stop.  the tow truck man was like WTF?!?!  i dont kno how.  but i thanked God he let us live, but lately, i wish he did take away my life.  cuz now my life is gettin worse and worse.  my mom went out of town fo tha weekend, so i decided to have people over, i didnt want anything big.  i had liquor and jello shots .. ya kno gettin CrUnK.  but nothin but drama happened.  people wanted to fite people and then this kid punched out 2 of the 6 windows i had.  rite now there's plexi glass there, but it looks bad and doesnt fit.  i'm tryin to get this one kid to come fix it but he's bein a bitch.  well anyways, then there's this guy Noel i met.  he's great ya kno, nice ass personality, and everything u would think bout in a guy.  but the more i think bout it, i dont want to date him.  i juz see him as a friend, i dont even wanna kiss him!!!  but he wants to take me on a "romantical" date, but i'm juz afraid to hurt him, but i dont know wat to do.  my mom makes me feel like tha most shitty as person in tha world sometimes.  we dont even have that mother-daughter relationship since i was like 8.  and now in 3 months, ima be 18 and i hope she will juz sit down and listen to me...
in my life, i have been molested, raped, arrested, near death, loss of heart and i'm tryin to find something worth livin fo to make me happy.  

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[07 Dec 2004|06:11pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i've had a bad day... i don't even want to write in this.   i feel like shit fo sum reason...

i am started to feel fo anthony again..

work has become real shitty....so has skool.   i have a 2 page report due tomorro and i haven't done again.

this probation shit is shitty. 

i miss my old friends....

jeff is flaw as fuck

i miss my ol life.... i dont wanna cry any mo...

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uh oh... [06 Dec 2004|10:10pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

i think my feelins fo anthony are comin back... thats bad.   i've been havin weird dreams bout him. i think i miss him.

think otha things.... think think think

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ima sick babie [27 Oct 2004|03:29pm]
[ mood | sick ]

wow, a lot has been goin on lately.  parties, people, homecomin.  wow, where should i start?!

well, last week was homecomin week, first time i was actually at skool fo that shit.  lol.  i had a lot of fun on class color day.  ima see if i can get a picture on here to show ya'll that you cant get on my level.  lol.  of course we lost our homecomin by like 20 points to bogie.  afta tha game, i went to chad pedro's neighbor's party, which was tyte as hell.  i got fucked up.  i met so many people and i saw so many people i knew, it was great.  i stayed at chad's house and i didn't go to bed til like 4 in tha mornin and i had to get ready fo homecomin tha next day too.  and i had a bad ass hang ova too.  but homecomin was tyte, i took pictures and mo pictures.  then afta homecomin, i was meetin up sholeh and rob, but rob got into a car accident.  i'm sry you wreaked ur impala babie.  so sholeh and i drove by to see rob and it was baaaad.  i felt so bad.  we went to carlos's house that he was house sittin and people were ova there that i knew.  then like 3 or so rob called me and i went to go see him and make sure he was okay.  afta about 30 minutes, i went back where carlos was and everyone was gone and i spent tha nite ova there.  i was also suppose to see sean that nite too.  he's fone is turned off, but he still knows my number and he calls me from his house.  that boy is so gorgeous  :-D  yea, but like i counted...there's like 6 guys who wanna get wit me.  that's tyte!!!  lol. 

oh yea, my lil jenny has joined me.  she doesn't have her V no mo!  she's all grown up...lol

well, i'm out cuz carlos and rob are suppose to be callin.  whoeva calls first, i'ma chill wit.  hehe.  pCe

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who's a pimp besides shannon...ME [18 Oct 2004|10:48pm]
[ mood | naughty ]

ME: whew, get off me...lol
ME: sean kissed me tonite...lol
SHANNON: oh lord

oh my goodness, who is fine as fuck.  this whyte, black, puerto rican boy named Sean, thats who.  who's a P-I-M-P ?!  me and shannon  lol

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uh oh [17 Oct 2004|01:47pm]
[ mood | bored ]

i mite have a crush on someone...but i'm not tellin... sholeh knows i think.  if u find out who i went out wit last nite and wat not, u mite have an idea...  :-D

yea i went to that basketball game friday nite, it was Maimi Heat and Orlando Magic.  my mama had two free tickets, and gave them to me, so i took tommy wit me, since he likes basketball too and we had a good time. 

i HATE anthony!  i'm tryin to get ova him...and i think i am wit my crush, but i don't wanna tell tha person that i like them, ya know?  hehe

Halloween is soon here..  homecomin is this saturday, and i don't know if ima go.  i went shoppin wit my cuz yesterday and she picked out this really pretty dress.  but i really wanna go wit someone ya know?

i dont kno wat else i wanna say..so ima dip.  pCe

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u could neva understand [10 Oct 2004|09:30pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

last nite...i don't think anyone could eva understand my view if MY life.  u can say all u want that u understand where i'm comin from n wat not, but u really dont.  u don't know me.  there's only one person who really knows how i am and that's my sis who has been wit me since i was 4 years old.  Jenn and i have been the bestest of friends and i could not give her up fo anything in tha world.  i wouldn't give her up fo a guy.  in tha past, a lot has happened between us, but we get through it all, one way or anotha.  i can tell u rite now, that no guy could eva, eva understand wat they do to a gurl.  if a guy eva tells u that he loves u, dont u eva believe it.  i have been there and hurt too much.  anthony told me that he would neva hurt me and that he loved me.  10 months lata, he didnt want to be wit me no mo, and he broke up wit me.  now i hear that he wants to mess around wit otha gurls and he talks shit.  ima bout to be tha gurl i was in tha past and i'm scared to be that way again.  i got people worryin bout me...bout wat ima do next.  they all kno i pray that i dont wake up, or if something bad happens to me.  i am goin through a lot of shit between, my mama, my family, my friends, court, bein brankrupt, and bein heartbroken by a fuckin whyte skater boy, who i turned him to be ghetto.  i can't believe that piece of shit did wat he did and said wat he said.  thats why last nite, i drank...of course i was drunk and i don't remember drivin home.  thats how i was back then.  there's scars that dont need to be reopen, but are close to it.  i have neva been so low in my life befo and i cant handle this shit.  in tha past, i have written good-bye lettas and i'm tryin no to rite now, but this seems like one to me.  i cry and cry every day and i don't deserve bein treated like this.  i want to scream but i cant, i want to run away but i can't, i want my life back, but i cant have it.  if my life could acutally be something to live fo.....

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can i be anymo depressed?! [14 Sep 2004|09:45pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i don't know anything anymo. its like i don't know my life anymo. my whole life is changin in a month! i can't do it. i don't want my life anymo! but i can't do anything. **think happy thoughts**

anthony...i'm not sayin nothing. thats juz for me and him ya know? but i know everyone knows that i love him.

today at skool, kevin and ryan and everybody were raisin money fo RJay's funeral. i guess his parents don't have enough money for it, so everyone decided to donate money. they had to raise $2500 for it. i donated my lunch money, which was $3 but hey, its better than nothing. at lunch, i went up to kevin and i was like can i give u a hug? and he said yea and while i was huggin him, i said i'm sorry bout ur boy. and i know how he's feelin. i also asked him if we could drop our beef and he said that he neva had any beef wit me, its heather. and i said all i want is fo us to be straight, iight? and he's like yea we straight. i hope me and heather can be straight. i'm workin on that part. but i mean, i seen people donate $20, $10 and $5. i feel really bad...

i guess afta skool tomorro, tha boys are suppose to be gettin into a fite wit sum pinellas park kids. so ima see if i can go into work late to go see this fite. hehe. i can neva miss one.

well i'm out. i don't know wat else to say. so pCe ~1~

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anotha fuckin hurricane [12 Sep 2004|03:08pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

wow, wat do u know...anotha hurricane is headed to florida. 

this weekend isn't ova yet, but i do have a few things to say about wat has happened so far.  thursday and friday nite i have been hangin wit tha boys like i always do.  but like me and anthony were talkin.  i felt like i broke tha ice ya know?  i was drunk thursday nite and i started to fuck around wit him, like we use to do by wrestling or wateva.  and then ryan hinkley was sayin sumthing bout booty dancin and i told him u couldn't handle me and he's like oh yea, lets see.  so i told his brother to put on sum music and anthony was sayin sumthing to me and he told me that he'd rather have me dance on him than me dance on anyone else there.  so i danced on him instead.  then on friday nite, i spent tha nite at his house, when i didn't want to but i did.  and we stayed up til about 3 in tha mornin talkin.  he wanted to know everything that i was feeling and goin through my head and i straight up told him.  and he was huggin me and cuddlin wit me.  he also said sum things but thats juz fo me, sorry.  i truly do love him wit all i got and i can't have him becuz he can't handle a relationship rite now, but thats straight, i know wat he's goin through.  also last nite, we chilled at his house wit everybody.  don't know wat ima be doin tonite tho.  hopefully drinkin again.  hehe  wat can u do?  lol

lenny and chris got a job.  how funny is that.  chris...wit a job.  they got their jobs at Brown Dog Cafe wit darr and jason.  chris had to go to work at like 9 this mornin, poor baby.

oh yea...ned was at anthony's last nite.  we actually were talkin to each otha.  but not wit our own conversation ya know?  but wateva.

shannon told me sum news a lil bit ago about RJay, kevin winter's best friend.  i feel so bad.  my heart goes out to everybody.  R.I.P. RJay 

hmmm.  i don't know wat else to say really, i didn't plan on writin in this today.  but ima try to write in this every otha day.  i'm out pCe

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anotha day in life [08 Sep 2004|08:46pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

my life is nothin.  i feel like i have fallin into a hole and i can't get out.  i don't know wat to do anymore.  its like i am lost or sumthing.  ya feel me?

skool was shitty today.  in first period, i got sent out of class!!!  GET THAT BULLSHIT!!  mrs. fischer is a bitch.  hurr, lemme lay it down fo ya.....   its juz bout 20 minutes into skool, and we were readin sum shit out of our financial plannin book.  we had to throw around a lil stress ball to sum one afta u read to let tha otha person read.  well sherman juz got done readin and he seats rite next to me, so he juz placed it on my desk and i said no and he was bout to throw it to sum one else, when the fish said no, i had to read.  i told he i was not goin to read.  and she said i had to, that i had to no choice and i told her i have a right whether i want to read or not and she got all pissed off.  went at it fo like 5 minutes and she's like well if your not goin to read, u can go sit in tha otha room...blah blah blah, i'm sorry amanda and i was like uh huh sure you are.  and then i also got her for 3rd period so i got bitched at again for 1st period, but wateva.  she's a bitch.  i know my rites!

anthony didn't go this mornin to his thang, he goes monday.  i'm scared for myself tomorro.  i wonder wats gonna happen....*dreams off*

i cleaned my car out today.  so happy, all i need to do is vaccum.  *smile*

well i don't know wat else to write, if i think of anything, i'll be back.  i'm out.  pCe

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any day off of skool [07 Sep 2004|01:26am]
[ mood | blah ]

man dis hurricane shit is crazy. now on tuesday we got no skool. its pure boredness for me. i don't know. i have been sittin at home watchin fuckin Mad TV all day long. so i went out of awhile tonite, hoping someone would be doin sumthing.

rob had a keg but no drop off, how gay.

i got all pretty up for nothing tonite.

went to anthony's house and lenny, dan, danny, cannon, nate, lenny and dennis were over there. don't know where chris was.

eva since i got my car i haven't even been home this much.

i miss anthony **tear**

i'm out pCe ~1~

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i'M gOiNg InSaNe !~! [06 Sep 2004|01:27am]
[ mood | drained ]

oh my gosh, i have been home for over 24 hours, i need to get out of this hell hole.  please mom, go to sleep so i can sneak out.  my mom was being a bitch and wouldn't let me out, sorry shanny. well wat can u do?

well i tried callin lenny tonite to see wat tha boyz were doin, but i guess his cell phone is out of service or sumthing.

poor chris...lol

i don't know wat to say really, i'm just bored.  talkin to my shanny and jared..hehe

AND YES SHANNON, i am italian  :-)

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yea i'm ghetto, ur point is..? [05 Sep 2004|10:38pm]
[ mood | blank ]

i just found some icons that i liked, i was bored...wat do you expect...




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